Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
