Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
