I want to have your abortion
pop tarts are not kleenex
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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