New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
my poor anus
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
