I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
