How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize