If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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