Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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