Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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