A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize