Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
