You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
