I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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