remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
