they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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