end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
