I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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