Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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