I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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