One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
