If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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