the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
