Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
