so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
