Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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