This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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