A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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