Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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