I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
