I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize