I'm so fucking centered right now
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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