i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize