I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
