Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
