My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
