oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
