dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
