Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
