have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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