so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
