I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
