just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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