Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
