Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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