my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize