dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
