Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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