If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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