please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
