There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
