so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
