At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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