I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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