Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
