Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
