6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
