I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize