omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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