The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
