Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
