Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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