I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
