Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
my liver is dry heaving
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
