now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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