I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
