I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
