I feel like abortions should bother me more
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
