Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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